(A quick disclaimer: this is a piece a I wrote for a class assignment that we will be turning into a short "silent" film. thus said, there is no dialogue except visual dialogue, words are mouthed etc. and there are no descriptions of sound whatsoever. So take that into account when critiquing it. Also, when you write a screenplay, you cannot write "Tyler was surprised..." because that is a very non-visual description and is rather ambiguous. rather you would write "...Tyler's mouth dropped open, his hands released his books that clattered to the ground." Thus the visual representation of surprise is depicted. That is how this piece is written as well. Please take these 2 things into account when reviewing the piece.)
Jon, a young man with glasses, slowly opens his eyes in a pool of water. He blinks repeatedly from the impact of more water falling onto his face from the sink above.
The door to the restroom opens as another man in a dark jacket (no tie) walks in. upon seeing Jon’s state in the messy bathroom the Jacketed Man hurries to aid Jon in getting back on his feet. Jon leans against the wall holding his head, while Jacket man washes his hands.
Jacket man leaves but as he does, Jon glances down and sees Jacket Man pushing a wallet into his back pocket. Jon, does a double take, reaches for his own wallet and realizes its missing. He is startled for a moment, but after regaining his composure, he runs out the door to confront the man who has just pick-pocketed him.
Outside the bathroom Jon sees his assailant disappearing around a corner to his left. Jon inhales deeply and then starts walking in pursuit. He hasn’t taken more than 3 steps however when something draws his gaze to the right. He quickly looks to find the same jacketed man sitting at a table. Shocked Jon looks to his left then his right repeatedly. He mouths the words “how did you…?”
Jon shrugs it off and marches to confront the man. As Jon reaches the table, the man motions for him to have a seat across from him. Jon, skeptically, pulls the chair out and moves to sit, but, to his surprise the chair is suddenly gone, and Jon stumbles to the ground.
Jon picks himself up again only to find himself next to an old house that’s decrepit and crumbling. Jon rubs his head and scans the area. He hears a noise and steps to peak around the corner.
He sees the Jacketed man hunched over a tree stump, using a rusty knife to cut carrots. Jon is shakes his head and blinks repeatedly in disbelief. He stares on at the jacketed man in an attempt to decide what his next move is. Suddenly, the jacketed man looks up and meets eyes with Jon. Jon jumps back around the corner, sure that the man has already seen him.
Slowly Jon takes another peek. The man is gone but the vegetables and axe remain on the stump. Jon checks his surroundings. Nothing. Jon looks back to the stump—the axe is now gone.
Jon begins to shake in panic. He slowly creeps forward and investigates the stump.
As he leans down and picks up the shredded carrots, the Jacketed man approaches from over Jon’s shoulder. Jon does not realize the man is approaching. The man raises the axe and at the last second. Jon turns to find his assailant.
He is thrown backwards over the stump. Jon stumbles, rolls, and breaks into a run making it around the nearest corner of the house. As Jon run’s he looks back over his shoulder for his pursuant, but to his dismay, the Jacketed man is gone again.
Jon rounds the corner and smashes into someone—the jacketed man.
Jacket man grabs Jon and begins to shake him. He then reveals a pistol from his coat.
Suddenly, the pair are in the middle of a road. Cars flying by on both sides.
Suddenly they both are struggling in the bathroom. They’re feet slosh water as they struggle for hold on the gun.
At last Jon wrenches the gun from Jacket-Man’s grasp. He steps back and points it at Jacket man’s chest. But Jacket man continues to grin. From behind him he reveals the axe. Jacket man takes 2 steps forward. Jon motions for him to stay away with the pistol.
Then, Jon lowers the gun for a moment as his mouth gapes open.
Flashback.
Jon is in the bathroom alone. As he washes his hands he slips in the water and hits his head like a rag doll on the lip of the sink.
Back to.
Jon holding the gun. Jacket man is in front of him but does not advance. Jon reaches in his back pocket and finds his wallet is still there.
Astonished, Jon looks back to his hand and though his fingers are still formed as though they were holding a gun, there is nothing in his hand. Jon looks forward, Jacketed man is not there anymore either.
Jon closes his eyes and opens them. Jacket man is back in the bathroom and the gun is in Jon’s hand once more. Jon slowly shifts the gun to his own head.
Jacket man yells “Noooo!!!”
Jon, now without a gun in his hand, Jon closes his eyes, and pulls the trigger.
A Flash of light and then blackness.
Jon stands alone in the bathroom. He closes his eyes and opens them. Jacket-Man does not return.
The End
